joke thread

[andro]

Two blonde ladies at a bus stop: The first asks: "Which bus will you take?"
The second says "the five, and you?"
The first one: "the seven."
After 5 minutes comes the seventy five.
The one blonde to the other: "Now we can ride together."

[andro]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"

[andro]

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, during which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kiwi Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition: The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

They still had the trailer attached to the bottom of the boat.

[andro]

lets all bring fun and laughter to the wookie set lol

[IcyTouch]

WARNING RACIST JOKE! Please do not be offended just this joke tickled me

A white man walks into a bar and says to the bartender(who happens to be black) and says
"Yo, Can I have a pint please nigga"
The bartender looks at him in disgrace and confronts him
"Hey, what gives you the right to to call me nigga eh? How the hell would you feel in my position! Swap places fool and see how you like it"
So the customer swaps places with the bartender and the black main says
"Hey cracker, fetch me a beer"
The white man replies
"Sorry mate, we dont serve niggas"


:( Im a bad boy i know but it was amusing i thought

[andro]

lol nice one icytouch

[andro]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a
little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and
again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She
went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare
you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and
drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kind 'a figured we was friends.

[madmurdoch]

SCAM Take Note!
A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular B&Q customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windscreen with Mr Sheen and a rag, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another B&Q store.
If you agree, they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on Dec 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,20th, & 24th. Also Jan 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So please be careful and warn others.

[andro]

and you didn,t think anything was up madmurdo lmao

[toesy]

Superb Madmurdoch, which B & Q did u say ?

[andro]

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[madmurdoch]

More Jokes:
PAWS FOR THOUGHT
An Alsatian walks into a telegram office, takes out a blank form and writes: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examines the paper and tells the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

A mother has twin boys and names them dah do and the other do dah, Dah do has a horrendous speach impediment and because of it has real issues talking to anyone except his brother who loves him dearly. On their 8th birthday Dah do decides its time to sort out his speach impediment and takes him to a specialist who discovers that through song, Dah do can Talk. Months go by with him singing all the time then one day as they are crossing the road a bus hits Do dah at 60 miles per hour, he is spread all over the road, in shock Dah do runs home and says to his mum," b b b sh sh sh sh f f f f ".His mum, curious says " sing what your trying to say" Dah do replys" Kay... Guess who got killed by a bus today, Do Dah Do Dah..."

A man walks into a pub, he has had a really bad day. He walks to the bar and he asks the bar man,
"Can I have a shot of all your strongest spirits in a pint glass"
The bar man makes the pint of spirits and asks
"Have you had a bad day?"
"Yeah, I dont want to talk about it" repies the man.
The end of the night comes and the man stumbles home drunk on his pint of spirits.
The next day the man returns to the same pub and the same bar man serves him.
"You look like you've had another bad day", the bar man says, "Do you want the same drink as yesterday?"
"NO WAY!" the man replies, "I was blowing chunks all night last night!"
"What, you were sick?" the bar man asks.
"No, chunks is my dog!!" Replies the man.

[andro]

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

How do you keep a blonde busy?
You give her a bottle of shampoo that says: "Lather, rinse, and repeat."

How do you keep a blonde busy?
You put her in a round room and tell her to go sit in the corner."

Why do blondes always have such big hair?
So they can catch things that are over their heads.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 bill. Who picks it up?
The dumb blonde! Because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.

[andro]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"

[andro]

With the six nations apporaching, a teacher in England asks her students
if they're England fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"Wales."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Welsh and Wales fans, so I'm a Wales fan
too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons,
would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a England fan!"

[lazy1uk]

A walker noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up
to
her and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look!

What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a
nice
big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels
every
week, and eat only junk food. On week-ends, I pop pills, get laid, and
do
no other exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Twenty-four," she replied.

[lazy1uk]

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.http://www.potuk.com/newforum/images/smilies/rofl.gif

[andro]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[scottyboy]

Winston, the Jamaican is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire';
and has reached the $1 million dollar question. Meredith Veira says, 'Right
Winston, this is for $1 million, and remember, you still have
two lifelines left, so please take your time. Here's your question:
What type of animal lives in a Sett?'

'Is it:

A) Badger

B) Ferret

C) Mole

D) Cuckoo?'

Winston ponders for a while and says, 'Backside Meridith, mi not
sure;
gi mi di 50-50.'
'Right, Winston, let's take away two wrong answers and see what
you're
left with.
'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers.
Winston has a long think, then scratches his head and says, 'Blouse
an'Skirt Meridith, mi still nuh know, mek mi phone mi island bredren.'
'So who are you going to call?' says Meridith.
'Hmmm, Ah tink I'll call Selwyn in Mandeville, Jamaica.'
So Meredith phones Selwyn in Mandeville. Selwyn, this is Meredith
Veira from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Winston

here, and with your help he could win $1 million dollars.
The next voice you hear will be Winston.'
'Wha gwaan Selwyn? Where mi money deh...?
Anyway, ansa dis an we quits.
What type ah hanimal mek im yard in a sett? Is a badger or a cuckoo?
'Is a badger, man.' says Selwyn without hesitation.
'You sure, bwoy?'
'Definite. Wanundred purcent. A badger. Definitely.'
'Right, tank yu man.'
'I'll go wit di eediat bwoy Selwyn. The answer is a
badger.'
'Final answer, Winston?'
'Yeh mon, Meridith, final answer.'
'That's the correct answer. You've won $1 million!'

Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning Winston calls up Selwyn: 'Bredren dat was a blood-fire ansa laas night bwoy, yuh cumgood!
How you did know sey badger yard is a sett?'
'Me nevah know', replies Selwyn, 'but everybaddy know cuckoo live inna clock!'

[term!]

A middle-aged man has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital. While on the operating table he has a near-death experience. Seeing God, he asks if this is it. God says, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."
Upon recovery, the man decides to stay in hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. He even has someone come in and dye his hair. Since he has so much more time, he figures he should make the most of it.
After the last operation he leaves the hospital and is immediately knocked down and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in heaven, he demands furiously of God, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?"
"I didn't recognise you," answers God.
w00t

[term!]

A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her doctor.
Doctor: "What is your dream about?"
Blonde: "I am being chased by a vampire..."
Doctor: "So, where are you in this dream?"
Blonde: "I am running in a hallway."
Doctor: "Then what happens?"
Blonde: "Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!"
Doctor: "Does the door have any letters on it?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Doctor: "And what do these letter spell?"
Blonde: "P.. U... L... L..."
:wallbash:

[term!]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

:teehee:

[james]

Heres my joke of the day!

--------------------


Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

[scottyboy]

50 pure (dead brilliant so it is) giveaways that you are Scottish

1. Scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine and a cold northerly wind, is your idea of good weather.

2. The only sausage you like is square.

3. You were forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at high school.

4. You have a wide knowledge of local words, and know: Numpty is an idiot, Aye is yes, Aye right is No, Auldjin is someone over 40, and Baltic is cold.

5. You have an irrational need to eat anything from the chippy, as long as its deep fried – Haggis, pizza, white pudding, sausage, fish, chicken and battered Mars Bars.

6. You used to love destroying your teeth with – Penny Dainties, Wham Bars, Cola Cubes, and Soor Plooms.

7. You always greet people by talking about the weather.

8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia , Deacon Blue, Big Country, etc, you still love it when they are played in a club abroad. (in fact you’ll probably ask the DJ to play it)

9. You have an enormous feeling of dread, even when Scotland play a diddy team.

10. You are proud that Scotland has the highest number of alcohol and smoking deaths in Europe .

11. You used to watch Glen Michael’s Cartoon Cavalcade on a Sunday Afternoon with his lamp Paladdin.

12.. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons books Every Christmas.

13. You only enjoy Weir’s Way on the telly, when you are pissed.

14. You are able to recognise the regional dialect, (Glasgow) ‘Awright pal, gonie gies a wee swatcha yir paper nat, Cheers, magic pal. ( Aberdeen ) Fit like eh day Loon? Furryboots are ya? Fit yeh bin up tae? fair few quines in the night, min. ( Inverness ); Ah -eee right enuffff! How’s you keeeepeeeen?

15. You know the police are about to arrive when you hear someone shout—Errapolis.

16. You have witnessed a ‘Square Go’

17. You know that when you are asked which School you attended they really mean, ‘Are you Catholic or Proddy?’

18. You have eaten the following: Mince and Tatties, Cullen Skink, Tunnock’s Teacakes, Snowballs and Caramel Wafers, Porage, Macaroon Bar, Baxters Soup, Scotch Pie, Oatcakes.

19.. A Jakey has ask you for 10p for a cuppa tea.

20. You wait at the shop counter for 1p change.

21. You know that the right response to ‘you dancing?’ is ‘you askin?’ followed by ‘am askin’ and finally ‘then am dancin’.

22. You associated sawdust with vomit, coz the ‘jannie’ always, used to pour it over sick in school..

23. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn’t wear a kilt.

24. You don’t do shopping, you ‘go for th e messages.’

25. You’re on a bus and the drunk picks you to sit next to.

26. You are able to conduct a 20 minute phone call using three words only,-- Awright, aye, and naw.

27. When you refuse the offer of a drink, you hear, ‘ You no well?’

28. You have heard the following:

You canny fling pieces oot a 20 storey flat,

700 hungry weans’ll testify to that,

If its butter, cheese or jelly,

If the breed is plain or pan,

The chances o’ it reachin earth,

Are ninety nine tae wan.



29. You know that going to a party means bringin a Kerry oot.

30. Your holiday in Benidorm is ruined when you hear there is a heatwave back home.

31. Scotland go 2-0 up against the French, and you immediately think, getting beat 3-2 was ‘no a bad result’.

32. You can pronounce: McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Kirkcaldy.

33. You love de ep fri ed Pizza.

34. You can’t pass a Kebab shop after being at the pub.

35. You are used to four seasons in one day. (winter, winter, autumn, winter)

36. You can fall when drunk and not spill your drink.

37. You see people wearing shell suits with Burberry accessories, and think ‘ats class’.

38. You measure distance in minutes.

39. You understand Rab C. Nesbitt.

40. You go to Saltcoats because you think its abroad..

41.You can make a whole sentence using only swear words.

42. You know what haggis is made with, but you still enjoy it.

43. You know someone who planned their wedding around the football fixtures.

44. You have been to a wedding and the football results have been announced in & nbsp;c hurch.

45. You are not surprised to find one shop selling ALL of the following: Pizzas, Nappies, Fags, Curries, Milk, Paint, Shoes etc.

46. Your seaside home has Calor gas under it.

47. You know that Irn-Bru is a good hang over cure.

48. You could swear before you could count.

49. You would ‘nut’ a terrorist if they tried to bomb your Airport.

50. You are not only Scottish but Glasgwian when you understand the following- How’s it hingin’, clatty, boggin’, cludgie, Ba’heid, bawbag, and double nougat

[Harding]

Slightly Raceist Joke: But funny :D

A white man in a car runs over 3 Pakistanies. One goes through the windscreen of the car the other lands on the bonnet and the other lands 50 yards up the road.

The copper arrives at the scene and arrest the one pakistani for breakin and entering and the other for criminal damage and the other for leaving the scene of the crime.
:teehee:w00t

[toesy]

rofl always love jokes

[ayrborn]

http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/10.gif Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!

http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/9.gif The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/8.gif A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, "Where did you get that?"The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"
http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/7.gif A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".

http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/6.gif Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/5.gif Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/4.gif A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/3.gif A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling, "You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/2.gif A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
http://www.blonde-jokes.co.uk/1.gif A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

[james]

PLEASE NOTE SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE QUITE SICK BUT APPEAL TO MY TWISTED SENSE OF HUMOUR SO LOOK AWAY IF YOU DONT WANT TO BE OFFENDED


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you think homeless people like knock-knock jokes


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got kicked out of school a few years back. the headmaster caught me behind the bike shed fingering 1 of the girls from my class. when i was leaving he said it was a pity, because he reckoned i was the best maths teacher the school had ever seen


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women are like parking space, normally all the good ones are taken. so occassionally, when no ones looking, you have to stick it in the disabled one.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Latest newssuggests that fabio capello is to be replaced by Kate McCann as england manager. The FA are very excited as shes only lost 1 in europe


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

whats the difference between the McCanns and gary glitter. Gary glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

whats so good about shagging twenty eight year olds, theres twenty of them



Hope they are appreciated and not caused offence

[term!]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.


So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be; I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana ..

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But never, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches... Just send the bottle back!'

w00t:banana:w00t

[madmurdoch]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2O3mFQppgU&feature=related

only cost is the beans !

[term!]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships. They decided that night to surprise their men.. All three would wear a black leather bra and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for hours.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked at me and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'


lol lol lol

[toesy]

pmsl,,,.... im never getting married... lol